Questions & Answers

6.8.19 

He has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace, which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began. 

-2 Timothy 1:9 CSB

When I peeled my eyes open yesterday afternoon (my morning), this was the verse of the day.

I'm fighting the biggest darkest cloud in a while to receive it.

"The list goes on forever
Of all the ways I could be better
In my mind
As if I could earn God's favor given time
Or at least "congratulations"

Now I have learned my lesson

The price of this so-called perfection
Is everything
I've spent my whole life searching desperately 

To find out that grace requires nothing of me"

- Sleeping At Last, "One"

I feel so inclined to reject that idea. Isn't that "cheap grace?" It requires everything, doesn't it? Am I doing this wrong? I've got so many questions I know the "right answer to", but I'm struggling with who I am and Who He is, and how to have relationship with Him.

Is He loving? Is He emotionally tangible to those of us desperate to be held? 

Is He willing to come get me out here, in the middle of the woods? 

I'm getting really exhausted.

6.9.19

I'm attending a new church under an avalanche of doubt, anxiety, and anger. Constant anger. Connection feels impossible. "Turn to your neighbor and greet them!" (Meanwhile I'm obviously in tears from the music ministry...) This only made me cry more and I'm sure I looked like an antisocial, awkward mess.

We were talking about authentic relationships this morning. Sandwiched between my best friends, surrounded by my old church family.

Our Sunday Passage:
"...Assuming you heard about him and were taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus, to take off your former way of life, the old self that is corrupted by deceitful desires, to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, the one created according to God’s likeness in righteousness and purity of the truth. 

"Therefore, putting away lying, speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are members of one another. Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the devil an opportunity. Let the thief no longer steal. Instead, he is to do honest work with his own hands, so that he has something to share with anyone in need. No foul language should come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear. And don’t grieve God’s Holy Spirit. You were sealed by him for the day of redemption.  Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.
Ephesians 4:21‭-‬32 CSB

I'm so unsettled these days.

I'll be posting some writing here soon. In comparison to recent posts, it will be like the comedy/tragedy masks, a sharp dichotomy. A long time ago, someone told me that you have to keep preaching the truth to yourself, reminding yourself of it because the devil is a liar, and a really good one at that. So I guess that's what it will be: preaching to myself. It'll  be different from how I feel, but it'll be the truth. How I feel is also truth. Not the ultimate truth. But valid nonetheless until categorically proven otherwise.

I trust scripture for this. I trust Him to fish me out. 

Glad I made it to church this morning.