A Missive from the Kitchen

The Winter Polaroids by TIE

 I really am a summer soul trapped in a winter body. 

Winter is so much longer than summer, to me. It stretches the mind out thin, makes it eat itself to survive the cold, dark, lonely nights. When the sun goes to bed earlier, life gets really difficult for me, like so much trauma packed tight over a dark, snowed-in cabin. I used to love winter because it meant visiting with family, people that I only caught glimpses of while growing up the way I grew up. Now I sort of dread it. My worst fears came true this past December, or so I felt.

When my family looks at me, I think they see my mother, which I love, but sometimes I think that means I'm not being taken seriously. I long to be understood. That's probably why I write so much, I guess. Over-explain. 

We are a special little trio, my mother and sister and I. Two cats and a fella for each girl. We are getting to be girls together! It is a pure and delicate time.

I went to sleep too early and woke up thinking it was noon. (It was not.) My everything got a bit fucked from my stint in the mental hospital. I put myself there on accident. (We knew it was coming, though, didn't we.) Maridyth helped me be less afraid of what might happen in the psych ward, but I was not prepared for the heartlessness of it. The workers seemed soulless and immune to our suffering or actively relished it. Where I got sent is apparently one of the nicer places, but several of the employees should be working at McDonald's, frankly. I think I might let it go soon, but every now and then I nurse my grudge and feel justified. My experiences there wrecked me in several ways. Thankfully, my mothers are strong women, and so am I.

I don't really want to talk about that anymore, though. I ate a good breakfast that I made for myself, real food, eggs and toast with butter and jelly and orange juice. Very Wallace and Gromit of me. Drank the tea that tastes like sleepovers with my best friends. Texted the boy I like to kiss, who likes to kiss me and hold me, hold me, hold me. I forgot how much I missed being held after so long thinking that such affection is a thing to be mourned while still in my youth. A thing of the past. That my mother's arms would never be around me again the way it all once was and so forth.

But, no! I sat and watched the sun come up. It's bitter cold but the sun is still here. 

I got saved again in the family bathroom of Terminal A at IAH Airport on Christmas Eve. I realized I'd been leaning on my own meager understanding, standing upon it and declaring myself clean and good and right because I feel my anger in its fullness and let it off the leash at will. God had other plans. Humility can be cultivated or it can be beat into you by life continuously handing you Ls until you chill out. He finally addressed me in the way I could understand, and in doing so revealed that there is an infinity of things I have no knowledge of. I set my hand over my mouth, so to speak. I failed my Job test severely. Not one righteous, no not one, not even me. Rebellious, proud, stubborn me.

I tried to reach out to my father with music, something we always had in common back in the day. He told me not to contact him unless I'm willing to repent for lying about some stuff that I didn't lie about. I don't tell lies about that kind of stuff. Why would I make it up? What do I stand to gain from a lie like that? Certainly not my father's love and pride, the treasures I've always coveted.

It matters so much and yet not at all. He basically gave me permission to never speak to him again. So be it, I guess. If you want to be like your dad so much. I remember how he used to pronounce judgement upon his father for the way he chose to lead his life, and now he is repeating the pattern that in pride he swore he would not. Like father, like son. But grandpa likes me, he talks to me. So maybe the problem isn't me, at least not every time.

The family that lives above us is loudly having their morning turmoil. I am smelling the soothing scent of lavender and looking up libraries near me. I love to collect library memberships, that way I have access to more e-book collections just in case what I want isn't available. (98% of the time, I get what I want/need: lessons of the Dragonfly [Holy] Spirit.) 

That's all for now! It feels like 2016 again (I'm always champing at the bit to go back and start over, aren't I. How many times have I said that very thing? Countless at this point)! I'm getting my nails done today with my new best friend Maddie. She is like the big sister I never had! Anyway, stream Solar Power for clear skin and good vibes. Don't forget to be good to one another, to the planet if you can help it, and to share for this is well-pleasing (to literally everyone, heheheh).

Cheers!

P.S. (I'm going to get red highlights and start wearing faux septum rings again. I'm getting my highschool do-over and I am going to let that teenager OUT! 😌)